Sacrificial Mothering

“He is no fool who gives up that which he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.”

- Jim Elliot

 

I’m going to attempt to pour myself out here a bit.  Somewhat to share with you what’s been on my mind, but also as a way of processing some of what I’ve been dealing with, meditating on these past days, weeks, months…Let’s see what comes out…

I am currently in the process of obtaining the clock hours needed to renew my teaching license.  I have yet another two years before it expires, but with 125 clock hours needed I know that digging in before it sneaks up on me is probably a good idea.  As I’ve been researching classes, in-services, conferences, online programs, etc. I have had this excitement stirring in my heart.  I am excited to “get back out there”, even if that just means taking a few self paced classes.  I was talking with Chris a few days ago about the envy I sometimes feel towards other women (and men) who I see carrying on these amazing careers, obtaining higher education, getting professionally dressed every day, and just doing something with their lives. (Ooh that’s an ugly word)

Sometimes I look around my life and I wonder – What value am I adding?  What am I doing to further myself? Better myself?  Push myself?   (Do you see the selfish common denominator there?)

And yet, at the same time this inner battle rages as I know that if I were anywhere else besides the walls of this home right now I would not be content.

I guess it’s one of those grass is always greener complexities.

And so – it’s something I’ve been really working on, thinking on, praying on…

And part of what I’ve seen is this.  And part of what I’ve known is this.

Mothering is all about sacrificing.

Laying myself down.  Laying aside my own wants, my own dreams, my own goals, my own desires – and investing myself in to the lives of my children.

Now, I carefully say all that above while at the same time having a respect and appreciation for not losing ourselves in our children.  I AM going to be taking the courses required of me to keep my license, and I fully support (and appreciate) those around me that juggle full time work and parenting, or schooling and parenting, or whatever the case may be.  In fact, I think of the mothers that I know who work.  It is incredibly sacrificial to work all day to support your family.  I have heard from many of my friends that it isn’t always the easiest to juggle it all.  Work, chores, kids, husband, and perhaps a tiny bit of “me” time snuck in there. This is not intended to be a battle of stay at home vs. working outside the home. Not AT all. 

I don’t think it comes down to the number of hours that we spend with our children – whether we are given the full day or whether we are given the evening, or whether we are given the weekend…it instead comes down to a matter of the heart.  Quality vs. quantity I guess you could say.

I have been convicted this week in how much I truly sacrifice myself for my children.

I care for them all day long, but how much of my care is given with joy? There are nights when I finally sit back on the couch and reflect on our day.  There have been days where I have realized that I never once just stopped and read a book to my child, or held them on my lap, or played a game with them, or had a conversation with them eye to eye.  It sickens me. Yes, I was physically with them all day long, but yet there was so much emotional separation taking place.

How often throughout my day do I sigh or show exasperation when one of my children needs their nose (or something else) wiped for the fifth time, or when I need to break up yet another fight when I am just trying to get one simple chore done?

How often does my daily list of to-do’s take priority over the loving and nurturing of my kids?  True loving and nurturing?

I have been placing a focus (and asking God for help cuz I don’t think it always comes natural) on having true joy in the work that I am doing.  When I am folding the third basket of laundry. When I am sweeping the floor again.  When I have to clean up yet another accident from a little girl.  Whatever it may be I want an attitude of joy.  A servant’s heart.  If I can’t be a servant to my own children, to love on them and sacrificially joyfully give, then what good am I as an educator, as a friend, as a daughter?  What good are my other dreams and ambitions if I can’t start here?

This is my battlefield.  This is where I have been placed for this portion in my life and I want to thrive here.  I want to look back on this time of my life as an amazing one.  One where I am setting my children up to be such awesome individuals.  Not one where I had an amazingly clean house and incredible meals on the table – but yet kids who would claim that they barely get to spend any quality time with their Mother.  It’s hard to do that though!  It’s such an expectation of society that we should be able to do it all.  The Super Mom mentality.  I know I have written about that before. I constantly have to fight against it and let myself be free from the pressures of trying to do everything to perfection.

Yesterday at the dinner table I just took some time to look at those precious faces around me.  So often I can become lost in the fact that my children are little.  Naively forget that they aren’t always going to stay that way.  I sat there thinking about the people that they are going to grow in to.  Who are they going to meet? Who are they going to mingle with?  Who might they influence with their lives?  How are we preparing them here, in the walls of our home, for the impact that they may make on this world later? 

My mind even took it a step further after a short discussion with Ethan on bed times, and with twinkling eyes he said, “Someday I’m going to be a daddy and I’m going to put my kids to bed and then I get to stay up late and make sure they stay in bed!”  My little Ethan – a father?  The reality of that just struck me. 

I looked at that table of those three amazing kids of mine and I thought about the grandchildren that may come in to this world someday through them.  What kind of parent is my child going to be to them?  Will they sacrificially give and love them?  Even when it isn’t easy?  Even when all you want to do is just finish one cup of coffee while it’s still warm? Have one adult conversation that doesn’t need to be interrupted?  Take a shower without a child pounding on the bathroom door? 

Today I choose joy.  It is a constant choice I need to make throughout the day. When my flesh wants to sigh (or scream), or roll my eyes.  I instead want to choose thankfulness.  Every battle I face has something I can be thankful for behind it. 

Let that be my focus.