Parenting

Becoming a mother is always something I longed for. How many times did I make my brother David play the role of my husband as we played house and tucked our dolls in for bed at night? (He was such a great little brother!)

My cabbage patch doll Mamie had a daily schedule of feedings, naps, play time, and baths.
From the time I was maybe 16 I started a list of potential names for my some-day babies. (Is that creepy or cute? Not sure.)

And now here I am...at 31 years old...mother to three.

Motherhood is everything that I ever dreamed it would be, but SO much more.

So much more of everything. Every emotion.

So much more intense.

So much more demanding.

So much more responsibility.

So much more fun.

So much more love...

As I have these days right now to lay here at home while my family is in Minnesota it has given me such special time to focus on the mother that I am. The other night my friend Carla prayed that this time of bed rest would be a time of refreshing for me as a mother. A time where I could focus and spend time thinking about, and praying for, my children - for them now, but also for their callings and their destinies...and I feel that I have had time to do just that!

For the first 30 weeks of this pregnancy it shot by me so fast. I was finding myself so busy and "full" with the boys that I never seemed to have the time to just sit back and anticipate the arrival of our daughter in to this family.

These past few weeks as I have laid here and felt her kick, move, and grow I feel that we have grown so close. I have even been talking to her a lot these past few days as we lay here alone together! I've been singing to her, reading to her, praying over her...and it's just been pretty special! I am truly thankful for this time alone I've been given with my daughter.

I have also, in the past few days, started reading "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. It had been laying on my night stand for the past 6 months or more, but I finally picked it up and started plowing through it. Truthfully a while back I had started skimming through some of the first few pages, but I had then tossed it aside because it wasn't practical enough for me. I wanted it to give me step by step directions on how to handle exact situations that arose in my home, like the little boy laying on my kitchen floor screaming and kicking because he didn't get his way, or the two little boys who are shrieking at the top of their lungs while wrestling around the living room and trying to bite each other... and I didn't find those answers in the book!

What I have found so far in reading through his book though is his firm belief that parents must deal with the heart of their children. If we just respond to the inappropriate behavior and don't think about where that behavior is stemming from, we are not getting to the heart (haha) of the matter.

It just made sense to me. If you have a child who is, for example, caught in a lie, it is important that our child understands the heart issue about lying. Why don't we lie? What does the Bible teach us about lying? Who are we hurting when we tell lies? Why does it hurt ourselves when we lie? If we can get our children to understand the deeper truths and Biblical basis for how we live, then it goes beyond us being the ones who are running the show and telling them do this, don't do that.

So often I have already found that I can be a parent who disciplines my sons out of my frustration or irritation. If they are being too loud for me, or if they are disturbing my peace, or if their fighting is making me mad, then I react. This book talks about taking our emotions out of the equation. We don't punish and discipline to appease ourselves and our own selfish wants, we should instead do it because we care about our children! We want to raise them to be aware of the decisions they are making, and why making those decisions is important.

I have only made it through the first few chapters, and I still have a long way to go and a lot more dissecting to do, but I have really been gleaming a lot from it so far.

When it comes down to it though parenting can be such a daunting task! I so often doubt myself and my ability to be an effective mother to my children. I think about how many things I am doing wrong, or will do wrong along the way. I think about how much counseling they are going to have to go through to try and erase the memories of their childhood with their crazy mother! And the truth is...parenting is tough! Parenting is scary! Parenting is a HUGE responsibility! It gives me such incredible peace though to know that I'm not doing it on my own. First of all I am fortunate to have an amazing husband who stands beside me as an incredible father to these children. He truly is an amazing gift in their lives. But...he is also human just like me. Both of us realize that we need one higher than us to help and guide us along the way.

This book has also given me a bit of a wake up call. So much of parenting comes down to where our hearts are at too. What example are we showing to our children? How do I handle times when I am stressed? When I don't get my way? When someone has done me wrong? Do I lie? Do I show anger? Do I lash out at those around me?

If I spend all my time thinking about the hearts of my children but spend no time nurturing and feeding my own heart I will be of no good to them.

Just some thoughts...

The Stuff That Matters

Sometimes I feel like my head is just going to pop.

I'm thinking too much about too many things.

I have lists upon lists upon lists growing in my head.

Do this.
Wash this.
Finish this.
Sort this.
Buy this.
Call this number.
Change this.
Learn this.
Cook this.
Start this.
Try this.

I pick up one thing to put it away.
I set it down because I think of doing something else.
On the way to do that something else I remember to jot something down.
As I begin to jot it down I feel two little boys wrapping their little bodies around my legs.
I forget what I was going to jot down.
I now am no longer able to walk to put those things away.

And so the story goes...

Sometimes I find myself getting so bogged down by all my mental lists.

Because sometimes through the lens of these lists is how I begin to view myself.

I see myself as inadequate if A, B, and C is not done by the end of the day.

I see myself as less than a perfect mother if I don't find the perfect healthy dinner food that my boys will devour and beg me for more.

I try and do too much.

Spread myself too thin.

Be too many things and try to do them all perfectly.

And the other day I was just overwhelmed.

Just sad.

Just feeling empty.

In all honesty, not enjoying my life and missing the simplicity of the life I led before staying home.

I took it to my husband and told him that I was feeling overwhelmed.

Feeling like my life just spins out of control sometimes and I lose sight of who I am in the midst of it.

I lose sight of what really matters.

We had a really good talk. He has this way of helping me to get back to the basics. To see life in a much simpler way.

And so these past few days I have really been feeling free.

I have been allowing myself to feel free.

To let it go.

To enjoy simple moments with my boys because they are things that I want to do with them and things that I know they want me to do with them. Not things that I think would look or sound good on my blog or allow me to add a notch in my awesome mother belt.

I have danced with them in the kitchen.

Laid my head in their lap and let them poke my face and name it's parts.

Buried my face in to their curly locks and breathed in the amazing aroma of my sons.

Just sat.
Sat and watched.
Sat and learned.
Sat and enjoyed.

Because I don't want to get caught up in the things that don't really matter.

Well sure I want to have a nice home.
Have a delicious dinner on the table.
Have my boys eat healthy food.
Save money for my family.
and on, and on, and on....

But in the midst of trying to meet all my self-set deadlines, goals, chores, lists, and dreams I don't want to lose sight of the here and now.

I want to be a present force.
I want to bless my boys with a mother who is here.
Who cares.
Who smiles.
Who loves.
Who feels joy and who can laugh.

I want to be a good wife to my husband.
A wife who listens.
Who supports.
Who encourages.
Who gets goofy with him and laughs at his dumb jokes.

I just want to shut off all the influences that I let overwhelm me sometimes.
To stop the comparing game.

And to just be me content in this place that I am supposed to be in right now.