The Stuff That Matters

Sometimes I feel like my head is just going to pop.

I'm thinking too much about too many things.

I have lists upon lists upon lists growing in my head.

Do this.
Wash this.
Finish this.
Sort this.
Buy this.
Call this number.
Change this.
Learn this.
Cook this.
Start this.
Try this.

I pick up one thing to put it away.
I set it down because I think of doing something else.
On the way to do that something else I remember to jot something down.
As I begin to jot it down I feel two little boys wrapping their little bodies around my legs.
I forget what I was going to jot down.
I now am no longer able to walk to put those things away.

And so the story goes...

Sometimes I find myself getting so bogged down by all my mental lists.

Because sometimes through the lens of these lists is how I begin to view myself.

I see myself as inadequate if A, B, and C is not done by the end of the day.

I see myself as less than a perfect mother if I don't find the perfect healthy dinner food that my boys will devour and beg me for more.

I try and do too much.

Spread myself too thin.

Be too many things and try to do them all perfectly.

And the other day I was just overwhelmed.

Just sad.

Just feeling empty.

In all honesty, not enjoying my life and missing the simplicity of the life I led before staying home.

I took it to my husband and told him that I was feeling overwhelmed.

Feeling like my life just spins out of control sometimes and I lose sight of who I am in the midst of it.

I lose sight of what really matters.

We had a really good talk. He has this way of helping me to get back to the basics. To see life in a much simpler way.

And so these past few days I have really been feeling free.

I have been allowing myself to feel free.

To let it go.

To enjoy simple moments with my boys because they are things that I want to do with them and things that I know they want me to do with them. Not things that I think would look or sound good on my blog or allow me to add a notch in my awesome mother belt.

I have danced with them in the kitchen.

Laid my head in their lap and let them poke my face and name it's parts.

Buried my face in to their curly locks and breathed in the amazing aroma of my sons.

Just sat.
Sat and watched.
Sat and learned.
Sat and enjoyed.

Because I don't want to get caught up in the things that don't really matter.

Well sure I want to have a nice home.
Have a delicious dinner on the table.
Have my boys eat healthy food.
Save money for my family.
and on, and on, and on....

But in the midst of trying to meet all my self-set deadlines, goals, chores, lists, and dreams I don't want to lose sight of the here and now.

I want to be a present force.
I want to bless my boys with a mother who is here.
Who cares.
Who smiles.
Who loves.
Who feels joy and who can laugh.

I want to be a good wife to my husband.
A wife who listens.
Who supports.
Who encourages.
Who gets goofy with him and laughs at his dumb jokes.

I just want to shut off all the influences that I let overwhelm me sometimes.
To stop the comparing game.

And to just be me content in this place that I am supposed to be in right now.