A Gentle Reminder

Giving up what you cannot keep does not mean giving up your home, or your job so you can go serve somewhere else. It is giving up yourself. Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fiftieth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like the green beans. Laugh when your plans are thwarted by a vomiting child. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them.

taken from MOTHERHOOD AS A MISSION FIELD by:Rachel Jankovic

It's not always easy being a Mom.

There are moments when I just want to go incognito and slip away unnoticed, unneeded for just a short period of time.

I have times where I whine and pout (acting much like some certain two year olds I know), mourning the life I used to have. The freedom. The career. The time to myself. The ability to shower on a regular basis...

It's true. It's pathetic. It's completely and utterly selfish. And yet, it happens. I am a selfish person. Even though I love my children truly more than my own life, even though I would do anything I could for them, I still have moments where I think "Is this really the reality of my life? Am I sure this isn't some kind of bad dream I'll wake up from at any moment?"

Now it's not all that bad. I'm sure any mother can relate to the type of bi-polar behavior I seem to demonstrate on any given day. One minute I can be oohing and ahhing over how spectacularly sweet and adorable my children are being, and the next minute I am walking out of the room to breathe before I blow my lid!

Yesterday was one of those days that left me scouring the internet looking for possible job openings this upcoming fall. I had decided that I was going back to work and wasn't cut out for this stay-at-home-mom gig!

Today was a different day. A friend told me it might be. It was.

It wasn't perfect. Grayson still threw his shoe at his sister and hit her in the face while driving in the car. Ethan choked on his sandwich at the restaurant and I had to do some Jackie Chan moves to hurdle myself out of the table, around Adelyn, and over the stroller to get to him. Ethan woke up an hour ago crying that he was sick, even though I'm praying that he is just overtired. Adelyn ate something off the dining room floor and I have no idea what it was, except that she made a fairly disgusted face while gumming it.

But in the midst of all those imperfections that come with every day, I also have a list of things from today that lifted me up...

- Adelyn crawled four big steps (strides, maneuvers, rotations?) across the living room. (My baby is growing up!)

- Ethan stopped his playing on our outing this afternoon, just to approach me saying "Hug my Mommy." After a quick grab he ran off again.

-Ethan had me fix the wheels on a truck of theirs, only to turn around, hold it out to his brother, and say "Here Grayson!"

-Grayson serenaded me while I made dinner tonight with Jesus Loves Me, Eenie Meenie Miney Moe (I really need to take the time to look up the spelling on that!), the ABC song, and Twinkle Twinkle.

-The way that Adelyn squeals when she sees me enter her room after a nap or in the morning. She kicks her feet in to her mattress, her entire face lights up, and she just giggles and shrieks. Melts my heart.

-The way the boys wanted to hold my hand as we walked up the stairs to head to bed tonight.

- Talking to my husband on the phone and having a really nice conversation about our day. Just the thought of knowing that he is there. My partner.

- The fact that my parents celebrated 37 years of marriage today. What a milestone! How thankful and blessed I am to have them together and more in love than ever after all these years.